‘Don’t ignore any red flag in a relationship which can potentially turn abusive & toxic’
Monday, 21 November 2022 | Purnima Bisht | Dehradun
The brutal murder of Shraddha Walkar (27) by her live-in partner Aftab Poonawala (28) has left everyone stunned and shown how a toxic relationship can cross all limits of abuse if people involved in the relationship continue to ignore red flags. According to the information available so far, Shraddha was physically assaulted several times by Aftab during their relationship but still she did not get out of it. Many have also blamed such murders on ‘untraditional’ living practices of youths like living together before a wedding but according to experts, abuse in a relationship has nothing to do with living together with or without being married.
In the past few months, many cases have been observed in various parts of Uttarakhand where spouses including both men and women have killed their partners even after being married for years. Neuropsychologist, Dr Sona Kaushal Gupta said that abuse is abuse and toxic irrespective of the kind of relationship a person is in. She said that people involved in an unhealthy, toxic and abusive relationship usually have many chances of observing red flags which should not be ignored. She said that things like verbal abuse or slight physical abuse which are considered ‘little things’ are often ignored which should not be the case.
“Many do not even talk about such issues with their respective partners in order to maintain ‘peace’ in their relationship. If one cannot talk to their partner about an issue, that itself is a red flag. Open communication and counselling help in such situations. Young people should also not cut off their families from their life after getting into a relationship and maintain regular communication with them. This would also help them to get the required support when needed,” said Gupta. She also said that most of the time, women seem more reluctant to get out of married and live-in relationships than men due to fear of being subjected to guilt, societal shame and lack of family support. It causes them to take more time than actually needed to make a decision to get out of a toxic relationship.
Talking about why it takes some people to get out of an obviously toxic relationship, clinical psychologist Dr Mukul Sharma said that many get used to tolerating each other during the course of their relationship and find it difficult to leave them or are reluctant to start a new relationship. It happens mostly due to their upbringing when they have seen most adults ‘tolerating’ their partners rather than having an actual conversation about issues. He said that if a couple finds any complications in their relationship they cannot actually talk about or understand its cause, irrespective of how big or small it is, they should go for counselling which is not usually done here. He said that families should also stay in touch with their adult children even after they move out to provide support in such conditions without any judgment.
Moreover, experts also said that friends can also be helpful in such situations. In the murder case of Shraddha Walkar, her friends are now revealing how she told them about being scared for her life due to Aftab. Many have opined that her life could be saved if her friends would have informed authorities in time rather than waiting for her to take action on her own. According to Dr Sharma, friends should also observe how frequently and intensely a person is complaining about their partner and must take action as per the situation rather than just listening. On the other hand, Dr Gupta said that friends cannot actually do much if the victim is reluctant to get help but they can inform his/her family members to make them aware of their situation. Family support can actually make a big difference in such situations, she added.
