Aditi Arora
I have often spoken of the importance of wellness and creating an environment of clarity at the grass root level. The popular complaints I get these days from parents is one of excessive screen time and that children have stopped listening to authority. It is not that suddenly the young have become rebellious or problematic, or sitting at home and ‘study at home’ has brought enormous problems for the entire society as a whole. We must now look at some ‘take at home’ measures to review various issues cropping up. As a family we must have regular check-ins to be cognitive of the atmosphere of our home. Are we creating a wholesome therapeutic space for everyone? As a family are we open and communicative of our dynamic? Are we a family of silent contracts and ledger keeping? I encourage families to have weekend discussions where every family member speaks freely of how their week was. If there are any grievances among members it should be received in a neutral fashion and all conflict should be managed in a civilised manner.
If couples are hyper successful and are on constant ego trips, it will result in children either being too fragile or too insensitive. I would persuade parents who are having issues with parenting to do regular self awareness sessions with themselves. Let us take a common example to illustrate my stance- if you catch your teenage child showing interest in alcohol and curiosity over its taste, smell and effect. Sit with your child and have a discussion on balance, on why there is presence of alcohol in the house and also why you or your spouse indulges in it. Most often parents either ask the child to leave the room when they are pouring their drinks or ignore the issue completely. I also hear of parents who tell me that they want their child to explore the area by themselves.
There will always be terrains that are risky and at times difficult to walk with your child. We cannot wish that our child never falls and never cries. But do have the courage to show your child the power of being vulnerable along with teaching them that people who ridicule their vulnerability or are incapable of holding space for their sensitivity are not their people. These will prove to be some critical ways to show your child how to recognise the quality of a human being, which in turn would make them understand the importance of determining their company of friends and colleagues alike.
There is a general sense of fear and anxiousness in the post pandemic world that seems to elevate with every passing wave of Covid-19. Parents must be mindful of what conversations they are having with their children. Especially with the older batches, which are now finishing their school and stepping into the world for further studies. I also come across parents who are into constant comparisons and who go out of their way to desensitise their children by projecting their fears on to their young. A parent who is constantly trying to make their child into a hyper adult consciously or unconsciously could lead the child into a very successful career but a much failed human being.
In pursuit of money and lifestyle, parents go through their own ups and downs. There are no perfect or ideal parents and of course no faultless children. But there is progressive parenting and advancing children. Parents need to motivate their children to choose role models from a young age. If the child happens to choose one of the parents, an aunt or uncle as a role model, the chosen one should spend a healthy amount of time with the child and not create unnecessary boundaries or expect to be put on a pedestal.
Another healthy habit that parents can inculcate in their children is to spend time in nature and not be afraid to spend time by themselves. If your child expresses the need to play by himself or herself, flow with it to see what could be going on in their inner world. For couples who are parenting a reclusive child or a child who tends to be loner, try not to be harsh on your child. Do not bombard him with the pressure of being a pleaser or friendly. Some children, if not faced with any significant trauma, enjoy their own company deeply and are creative and arty by nature.
Parents of such children should always extend unconditional acceptance for their child and his or her ways. Sometimes we have a late bloomer in our midst, who grows up to be massive contribution to our society. It was the quiet deep thinkers who grew up to be world famous innovators. Sometimes, a simple minded ponderous child can be a wondrous one. S Ramanujan the great Indian mathematician solved the most taxing math with his constant companion, a simple pencil. He had no fancy stationary to embellish his success.
All families should have their own personal constructs of addressing issues and grievances. Every parent should find their personal recipe to parenting and child rearing in order to create a prosperous and an innovative generation ahead.
(The author is a Dehradun based psychotherapist trained at the University of Vienna. Views expressed are personal)
