Monday, 23 October 2023 | Dr Sona Kaushal Gupta | Dehradun
GUEST COLUMN
Dr. Sona Kaushal Gupta
“The letting go is the hardest part, but sometimes it’s the best thing you can do for someone.” – Unknown
According to Wikipedia, empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents may feel when their children move out of the family home, such as to live on their own or to attend a college or university. This condition is not a clinical condition but a feeling. It is typically more common in women, who are more likely to have had the role of primary carer. However all parents do not experience empty nest syndrome and some have described it as a bittersweet feeling. The bitterness of loneliness and having to stay alone and the sweetness of having ample time for themselves and the pride of the achievements of their children. It is mainly in the 40 to 60 years of a parent’s life and may last from a few months to a few years sometimes.
In many cases, empty nest syndrome occurs with other important challenges in the life of parents like the setting in of menopause and retirement. Peri or post menopausal time of a woman’s life has the involvement of many hormonal changes which can intensify the effect of the empty nest syndrome on her life. Retirement can cause psychological stress and make matters worse for some.
Although it has been found out that empty nest syndrome can have an impact on the mental and psychological health of both the parents, the mothers are usually more susceptible to it with feelings of sadness, anxiety, fear and worry of life ahead and also be preoccupied with thoughts of their child’s safety, and loss of purpose or a feeling of emptiness and rejection. Some may feel a sense of restlessness, loneliness, irritability and languishing which means not feeling motivated or inspired to do anything. Some feel worried about whether they have trained their children adequately to be able to live independently. After dedicating the most important part of their life to bringing up their children they suddenly feel redundant, worthless and unsure of their future.
Research suggests that some parents are more susceptible than others to this feeling. Parents who consider any change as a stressful event rather than a challenge, for example those who found weaning their child off breastfeeding or sending them to school stressful are more prone to having it. On the other hand those parents who are busy with other roles to play- those who have jobs and a sense of self worth and identity do not experience this stage as much as the others. Also, parents who feel their child cannot shoulder the responsibility of staying alone or those parents who have not planned in advance for this stage are more prone to it. Not all parents experience an empty nest syndrome, but some of those who do often describe it as “bittersweet.” It is bitter because you have to live alone, with the intrigue of finally having time for yourself. The challenge for parents experiencing empty nest syndrome lies in developing a new relationship with their now adult children and with their spouse with whom they now have more time to spend with as a couple and to find something worthwhile to do in their free time as they have more of it now. Sometimes there is lack of sympathy and empathy from the other family members and this makes matters worse. But one should allow oneself time to feel grief and not feel guilty or be perturbed by it. Help yourself feel better and to cope by creating your own rituals for your child like redecorating their room or planting a tree for them etc. Communicate about your feelings and future plans with your spouse and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Eat and exercise well and devote time to selfcare. Laugh more by finding ways to laugh with others, such as telling stories or watching a funny movie together. Laughter produces happy hormones in the body and can help lift your spirits and it has health benefits too.
Some to-do tips for such parents include starting their full time work or job again as soon as possible or to work on your dreams and hobbies which you had shelved for a later date or to join short courses of your choice and focus on learning new skills. Start networking more with friends and try to discover newer employment opportunities which suit you. You can also join hobby groups to pursue your passion or volunteer for a good cause you care for with some voluntary organisation. Learn technology to stay in touch with your children and do not adopt maladaptive coping like taking to alcohol to overcome your sorrow. Prepare in advance for what you have to do once your children leave home. Don’t wait until your children have actually left home to start exploring your new roles and interests. You may not feel excited at first, but pursuing your new activities and interests will help make your adjustment to your new life quicker and easier. It’s commonly said that our energy goes where our focus goes. A new line of research shows that empty nest syndrome may not be so bad after all when you focus on the positive changes you feel after the children leave home. You focus on having more freedom to pursue your goals or to bond with your spouse or the joy of seeing your children succeed or on better relationships with siblings and fewer stressors of day to day life.
Do not hesitate to seek professional help if you have symptoms of depression that last for more than two weeks. Symptoms of depression include sleeping too much, or not enough, feeling sad, helpless, hopeless and worthless, losing interest in activities you once enjoyed, tiredness or lack of energy, feeling guilty, trouble concentrating or making decisions and thinking about death or suicide. Depression is a common but serious medical condition that can negatively affect all aspects of your life. Depression is different from sadness and grief but sometimes grief can lead to depression. Fortunately, depression can be treated. Between 80 and 90 per cent of people with depression benefit from treatment. It has to be diagnosed by a doctor. Talk with your doctor and psychologist if you have symptoms of depression that last more than two weeks. They can recommend therapy and medicine as needed.
(The author is a neuropsychologist, founder of a crisis helpline and designated CBSE counsellor. Views expressed are personal)
